Unlimited Power - Chapter 13

 

Chapter 13 - The Magic Of Rapport

 

Think of a time when you and another person were completely in sync. Whatever you come up with will be a reflection of the same basic element-rapport.

RAPPORT IS THE ABILITY TO ENTER SOMEONE ELSE'S WORLD, to make that person feel that you understand him/her, and that you have a common bond. It's the ability to go fully from your map of the world to his/her map of the world.

Rapport is the ultimate tool for producing results with other people.

No matter what you want in your life, if you can develop rapport with people, you'll be able to fill their needs, and they will be able to fill yours.

All the skills you learn in this book are really ways to achieve greater rapport with people.

When people are like each other, they tend to like each other. Whom do most Americans tend to feel better about, the English or the Iranians?

In fact, when we say that people are "having differences," we mean that the ways in which they're not alike are causing all sorts of problems.

How do we create rapport? We do it by creating or discovering things in common.

We call this process "mirroring" or "matching."

The most common way to match others is through the exchange of information about each other through words.

However, studies have shown that only 7% of what is communicated between people is transmitted through the words themselves. 38% comes through the tone of voice. 55% of communication, the largest part, is the result of physiology or body language.

The facial expressions, the gestures, the quality and type of movements of the person delivering a communication provides us with much more about what they're saying than the words do by themselves.

What if you use all three linked together?

While the words are working on a person's conscious mind, the tonality and physiology are working on the unconscious.

That's where the brain is thinking, "Hey, this person's like me. (S)he must be okay." And because it's unconscious, it's even more effective. You're not aware of anything but the bond that's been formed.

So, how do you mirror another person's physiology?

What kinds of physical traits can you mirror?

Start with the voice.

Mirror the tonality and phrasing, the pitch, how fast (s)he talks, what sort of pauses the person makes, the volume. Mirror favorite words or phrases.

How about posture and breathing patterns, or eye contact, body language, facial expressions, hand gestures, or other distinctive movements?

Any aspect of physiology, from the way a person plants their feet to the way (s)he tilts their head, is something you can mirror.

What if you could mirror everything about another person? Do you know what happens? People feel as though they've found their soul mate, someone who totally understands, who can read their deepest thoughts, who is just like them.

But you don't have to mirror everything about a person to create a state of rapport. If you just start with the tone of voice or a similar facial expression, you can learn to build incredible rapport with anyone.

When you break it down, there are two keys to mirroring-keen observation and personal flexibility.

Representational systems provide keys to a secret code.

There are verbal cues, like the ones in the diagram below, for example:

GENERIC

VISUAL

AUDITORY

KINESTHETIC

I understand you.

I see your point.

I hear what you're saying.

I feel that I'm in touch with what you're saying.

I want to communicate something to you.

I want you to take a look at this.

I want to make this loud and clear.

I want you to get a grasp on this.

Do you understand what I'm trying to communicate?

Am I painting a clear picture?

Does what I'm saying sound right to you?

Are you able to get a handle on this?

I know that to be true.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that is true.

That information is accurate word for word.

That information is as solid as a rock.

I'm not sure about that.

That is pretty hazy to me.

That doesn't really ring a bell.

I'm not sure I'm following you.

I don't like what you're doing.

I take a dim view of your perspective.

That doesn't resonate with me at all.

What it boils down is that what you're doesn't feel right to me.

Life is good.

My mental picture of life is sparkling and crystal clear.

Life is in perfect harmony.

Life feels warm and wonderful.

 

Of course, breathing and posture patterns, speed and selectivity of speech, will accompany these verbal patterns.

The person who is talking about "how this looks" to them (visual) will probably be breathing high in the chest, speaking rapidly with shallow breathing,  might be pointing, and may have hunched shoulders and an extended neck, while auditory people will more resonant voices and their breathing will tend to be more even and deep, coming from the diaphragm or the whole chest, and will have balanced muscle tension, and may fold their arms, and tilt their heads slightly to one side.

Kinesthestic people speak in a slow tempo, will take long pauses between words so they can get a feel for what they're saying in their low, deep tonalities.

Much of their body movement will tend to indicate tactile or external kinesthetic accessing.

They often have upturned palms with arms bent and relaxed with a solid posture with their heads sitting squarely on their shoulders.

In case you're concerned about mirroring another person, you're not giving up your identity. 

Mirroring simply creates a commonality of physiology that underscores our shared humanity. 

When I'm mirroring, I can get the benefits of another person's feelings and experiences and thoughts.

That's a powerful, beautiful, and empowering lesson to experience about how to share the world with other human beings.

Studies of successful people have shown over and over again that they have a great talent for creating rapport.

Those who are flexible and attractive in all three modalities can affect large numbers of people whether as a teacher, a businessperson, or a world leader.

By practicing consistently, you enter the world of whomever you're with and speak in that person's mode. It will soon become second nature. And you will do it without any conscious thought.

In fact, because of what's known as PACING AND LEADING, you will be able to get them to follow you.

Once you have mirrored someone for a while (paced them), you can change your physiology and behavior almost instinctively as the other person changes, and you create a link that can almost be felt. Leading comes just as naturally as pacing (mirroring). You reach a point where you start to initiate change rather than just mirroring the other person, a point where you have developed so much rapport that when you change, the other person will unconsciously follow you.

Sometimes, by mirroring someone's anger, for example, you can enter that person's world so strongly that when you begin to relax, that person will relax as well. Remember, rapport doesn't just mean you're smiling.

Rapport means responsiveness.

Occasionally you may need to be just as intense in your communication to a person, since the challenge to you is one of the many ways respect is developed in his/her part of the culture.

Flexibility is the key to establishing rapport. Remember, the biggest barrier to rapport is thinking that other people have the same map you do, that because you see the world one way, they do, too. Excellent communicators rarely make this mistake. If you fail to communicate to someone, it's tempting to assume that that person is a hopeless fool who refuses to listen to reason. But that virtually guarantees you'll never get through.

One essential tenet of what we teach is that THE MEANING OF YOUR

COMMUNICATION IS THE RESPONSE YOU ELICIT.

The responsibility in communication rests upon you.

There's a final wonderful thing about the magic of rapport. It's the most accessible skill in the world.

You don't need textbooks, and you don't need courses. The only tools you need are you eyes, your ears, your senses of touch, smell, and taste.

We are always communicating and interacting.

Rapport is simply doing both in the most effective ways possible.

You can use rapport at the grocery store. You can use it at your job and at home.

If, when you go in for a job interview, you match and mirror the interviewer, (s)he'll like you immediately.

If you want to become a master communicator, all you need to do is learn how to enter other people's worlds.

You already have everything you need to do it now.